The Summer Blockbuster is a Lie

It's Monday morning and I find myself with 3 things. 1) The worst case of insomnia I've ever had. 2) A day off in the hope that at some point I'll fall asleep. 3) A gut full of discontent about the year 2009 in movies.

So far this has been the worst year for movie watching I can remember. I've seen only 2 movies that have stuck in my mind longer than it took to escape the theater. Watchmen, which was absolutely fantastic, has grown on me the more I've thought about, and will be completely forgotten by the time the Academy Awards come around. And Quantum of Solace which only makes it into 2009 because Japan gets everything late.

It's the last 3 movies I've seen, summer "blockbusters" all, that have really shit me.

Terminator: Salvation was anything but for the audience. Ted summed it up perfectly as we shuffled forlornly out of theatre - "That movie made me angry." For me, the person who had chosen the flick and organized the night out, it just left me embarrassed that I'd subjected my friends to it. I'd read reviews that said it wasn't that good, but I'd also read comments by viewers that said, "Hey, it's not as bad as they say. Give it a try, you'll enjoy it." I now believe that those comments were written by studio plants who were sent onto the forums with the mission of damage control of the bad press.

Because of this mixed press I went into the movie with expectations held not so high. I should have learnt from the mistake that was Wanted. If you're not expecting much, then that is what you'll get. You see, the first 40 minutes of Terminator: Salvation is actually quite watchable. Things are being setup nicely for a kick-ass finale, there's been a shit load of money spent to make the future look suitably bleak, and the story is a refreshing departure from the unstoppable cyborg hunting the Conner family that the first 3 were. In fact I think the setup for Salvation is the strongest of any of them.

And then the film just jettisons any attempt at logic for a second half that makes no fucking sense at all. I mean really, how stupid is SkyNet? Ho ho John Conner, now that my cunning plan has lured you to my Terminator factory I'm going to send ONE and only ONE Terminator from the aforementioned factory to kill you. Yes John Connor, ONE Terminator. That's how nefarious I am. ONE! I shall turn the tables on you. It will be you who will die and not m.... what! You've defeated my sole Terminator! Impossible! Oh no, eieieieeeee I am undoneeeee.... And what's that. You can get a heart transplant from anyone. Look out there's been a medical break in - I mean break through.

Oh. My. God. That was so lame.

Salvation was followed by Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. I've read the books but am not a crazed Potter fan and couldn't care less if some parts are changed to fit the book into a movie. But if Half-Blood was satisfied with only adding an unnecessary action piece to the story that wouldn't have been so bad. It's major fault is that it is dull. Mind-numbingly, ploddingly dull. Most of the movie focuses on the relationship problems of the kids. Yes, they're growing up and hormones are telling them to go out and form pair bonds with a significant other. But I don't want to watch over 2 hours of that.

Like Salvation the first 40 minutes of Half-Blood Prince put everything in place well. The magic world of Hogwarts had rarely looked better, and I was expecting the plot to start moving along. But instead it focuses not on the Voldemort's history and/or Who is the Half-Blood Prince? storylines, but s/he loves me, s/he loves me not, shenanigans. After an hour I was uncomfortable and restless but kept hoping the the film would pick up pace or at least deliver with the action of the end of the book. Neither happened. It continued to crawl, (if it's not the longest Potter film to date then it at least felt like it), the final battle in the school grounds never appeared (so why did the Death-Eaters gain access to Hogwarts only to leave after a bit of petty vandelism?), the murder of Dumbledore was flubbed, and he didn't even get the dignity of the tear-jerking funeral from the book. BTW, the kids acting is great. It's what they're given to work with that is the let down.

I haven't really gotten into any of the Potter films except The Prisoner of Azkaban, although I've found the others to be at least watchable. But the final book of the series is by far the weakest. In fact it was a pretty bad book with its Mission: Impossible-like bank heist and Ministry of Magic break in. And as the same director and scriptwriter from Half-Blood Prince will be returning to adapt it into not one, but two money-leeching films, short of stunning reviews I'll be giving them a miss.

And then on the weekend I caught the incongruously titled X-Men Origins: Wolverine (yes, it has only just gotten here). Again I'd been well forewarned by less than stellar reviews. But how bad could it be with Hugh in it? I should have remembered the debacle that was Australia. The trouble with a bad film with Hugh in it is that he is so obviously trying his guts out even though he knows that everything else about the film is just shit. The same with X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Its problems began long ago with the story and script, and not with the actors who had to breath life into this still-born turkey.

I believe the stupid title is the root of the problem that the unfocused story and atrocious script stem from. What did the audience want? A story about the origin of Wolverine. What did it get? A whole bunch of other mutants shoehorned in (hell, even Professor Xavier makes a cameo) so that there can be some X-Men trainspotting. The best sequence is the rather brilliantly done title credits showing Logan and Victor fighting in the major wars of the last century. Great imagery, but why was this relegated to one minute of the movie? This is the story of Wolverine that should be up on the screen, the story of the rivalry, jealously and hatred between two brothers who cannot be killed and never seem to age. Why do Logan and Victor continue to stay together long after they've reached adulthood? Why are they drawn to combat? Why does Victor gradually become more and more animal-like? Why does Logan even care? Why do we even care?

Well, to answer that rhetorical question, we don't. And that's because we're not given characters to care about. Character motivation is pushed aside so that we can spend precious screen time with a whole bunch of other mutants who add nothing to Logan's or Victor's characterizations. These mutants are in the story merely because they'll put bums on seats (Gambit and Deadpool), provide comic relief (Blob), or have superpowers that look cool (just about everyone else plus Gambit and Deadpool). By the time we're introduced to Gambit the film has long stopped caring about Logan and Victor, and has fallen into trite comic book action. It even admits so when Wraith tells Logan that Logan will be fighting Gambit in few minutes even though they've just come to talk to him. This film can't do anything but pad itself out by playing the "two superheroes who've just met have a fight over a misunderstanding before becoming allies" card, because it isn't holding anything else in it's hand.

And when are we going to see the "animal let out" that Logan et al keep referring to. I'm probably wrong but I can't really remember him killing a lot of people. He stabs Victor a few times, and there must be some guards somewhere that get the claws, but really for a supposed killing machine this is a pretty PG friendly Wolverine. I've recently finished the video game based on the movie, and that is the kind of mayhem I was hoping for from the movie. Wolverine the game is one of those rare games that is better (much better) than the movie it is based on. Crazily violent, Wolverine slices, dices and juliennes hundreds of bad guys on the way to the Weapon XI showdown. Gun-toting meat-sacks are impaled on environmental kills, dismembered by claws, set on fire and even beheaded by helicopter rotors. Great stuff and what you'd expect from someone who keeps on claiming that he's the best at what he does, but what he does isn't very nice, or words to that effect but I'm too tired to Google it to find out. Instead with the lack of violence that it had the movie should have been title Wolverine: Declawed.

So that's my rant. Sorry that after 4 months away all I've got to add to the blogshpere is bile, but there you go. I'm off to knock myself out. Based on the space between postings next time we meet I'll probably be kicking off with "Merry Xmas".